It’s been a while, because I’ve been up to my elbows with homework and my brain has been swimming with ideas for a new book to write. This combination is quite lethal, because I am simply procrastinating by writing my novel which just instigates this continuous cycle of my homework not getting done.
This season at Charlotte has been full of surprises. It has been equal parts inspiring and full, as well as weary and exhausting. The Lord has been faithful in ways that I could have never anticipated, but He is growing me nonetheless. When I turned twenty a little while ago, a realization hit me with a ton of bricks. I realized that I had been spending my entire young adulthood trying to make others happy, and had absolutely no clue how I really wanted my life to look. LIKE WHAT. Talk about a foundation shaker. Coming to terms with my people-pleasing ways has been humbling (to say the least).
Shaken to the core by my newfound realization, I decided to start a journey of discovery within myself. I have been praying and seeking direction for a little while now, and Jesus is rocking my socks off. In the span of six weeks, I’ve been dreaming bigger than I ever allowed myself before, and making new goals. I stopped dating, because I want to become fully me first. I’ve been pushing boundaries creatively, because I believe writing was meant to be messy and raw. It’s an editor’s job to clean it up. I’ve been taking time to read books by authors that I both envy and admire. I am continuously cutting out negativity, because to be honest, I don’t have time for it.
And you know what? It’s been really freaking great. I feel confident and secure for the first time in years, because I’m actually listening to what I want, and trusting Jesus to guide me along the way. This season has been about re-shaping who I am as a writer, as a sister, as a writer, and as an adult.
For so long, I was unsure of everything. I was swallowed by others’ expectations, and felt constantly drained by the weariness that comes from denying yourself for someone else. Others’ needs consumed me to the point that I woke up and realized I was hollow. But I’m excited for this chapter of freedom and fearlessness. Who knows where the next chapter takes me. For once, I’m going to stop planning and start living.