I stared at the two silks latched onto a metal beam about 30 feet in the air thinking, there’s no way I can dangle from the sky. No freaking way. I’m scared of heights and not in shape and not good enough. I braced myself for a potentially awkward and embarrassing first go round of aerial yoga, and decided to muster the strength to try it anyway.
And you know what? It was messy and difficult and I definitely didn’t look half as graceful as the instructor. It was so far out of my comfort zone that I couldn’t help but laugh. But I didn’t leave feeling defeated. I left feeling victorious, because even though it was difficult, I still TRIED. I didn’t let that voice in my head win. For once, I didn’t let the spirit of defeat prevent me from trying. It wasn’t perfect, but I’m learning that’s MORE than okay.
I used to live inside this little box that I genuinely liked to call my life. It was neat and tidy. From the outside, it looked right and traditional. I played it so safe, though, that eventually I felt like I was drowning. The weight of expectation and stability and self-imposed perfection sat on my chest until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I stopped reading my Bible because I was angry at God. I didn’t feel joy or freedom or peace, and yet I was doing everything “right.” But my desire for perfection was causing me to lose sight of the calling He had placed on my heart.
And yet, God didn’t stop gently calling out to me. He wasn’t put off by my humanness. He sought after me, and told me to stop striving. To stop putting myself in the box that I have labeled as holy and good, and start letting HIM do the work. Let Him lead. Stop seeking the approval of humans, and let Him love me. That was pretty convicting.
So here I am, post-grad, for once trying NOT to plan every aspect of my life. I’ve decided to live brave and run free. In the past few weeks, my future has dramatically changed and I’ve made decisions that might not make sense to some. But I can breathe again. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can feel His presence, because I have decided to wholeheartedly seek it instead of my own plans. I’m figuring it out, and choosing to live in process not held back by the weight of perfection.
Freedom feels a lot like dancing, but it also feels like failure. Because it ISN’T perfect. It doesn’t look like everyone else. It feels awkward and definitely doesn’t seem Instagrammable or pretty as Pinterest, but it’s full of joy and peace. And I’m learning that Jesus is all any of us ever need. And I’ve learned He doesn’t give all of us the same calling or the same future. He wants to give us the freedom to become, and never stop laughing or loving or chasing the light.
So run free and live brave, dear readers. That’s what I’ll be doing in the meantime.